Last week, i haven't been myself. I became someone different, someone i don't else want to be. I was lazy, sleepy head and have no purpose of waking up every morning. Last week, i miss all my morning class...didn't feel like going to lab or my class. I don't know why i'm being like that until today. When time are getting closer to the day, my mom leave to Las Vegas, i lose my motivation to do everything. I became soo depress and last weekend i got emotional breakdown. After tonight, i won't see her for three weeks. Everytime, i think about it, it felt like those weeks became years and even more than years. I don't know how i can motivate myself everyday. I'm not excited to go home or go anyway. First my grandma left me and now she haven't come back yet. My last motivator is leaving me tomorrow morning, i don't even think i have the chance to see her before she leave. I don't know what i'm going to do after she leave. I'm soo confuse and soo lost. I think i'm gonna go crazy. Before, this never happen to me, b/c i know that everytime i get home i'll see her at least once every day. The house became even more queiter, kinda scary if u ask me. Last weekend, when i have to stay home alone, i felt soo scared, scared enough that i don't even want to move. Everytime i get off my bed, it felt like darkness has surround it me. Another thing, that change is me don't feel like talking to anyone. Last few day, i felt like i have fallen into the darkness, where there are no light or sun and just cloudy. I really hope...in the coming day, i'll be more active, instead of acting like i have no life. It really felt i have nothing left and everything became very dark, and very queit. But life still must go on....

CONFRONT WITH DEATH

This semester, one of my class is "Death and Dying"... awhile taking this course, i been thinking about how death would take role on me. I keep on telling myself that i'm not scared of death, but what scared me the most is being alone. Last night, i dreamt of this chaos world, where there's no ending to. I was struggling through it and fighting my way out but there's no way out. Eventually, i sank into that world, and beneath the chaos world there's another world that i could not predict, ever. I remember i was in the world of peace, where the grass are green and the trees are tall.. like one of those fantasy world...I know many people will think i'm just fantasizing my world..or i'm dreaming too much. Or unreality. But i have thought about and conclude that after I turn 35years old, and have no attachment with anyone or anything...i will move out and build myself a house in the jungle by the waterfall...and vanish from the reality that most people call it life. I want to live my person where there's only me and the nature and i can do anything as freely as the air. I took my friends about this, and they disagree about it and tell me how dangerous it is...but to me... bears,animal and creatures is not as dangerous as human itself. I prefer to die or kill by animal, then to suffer through human problem and struggle, because to me...human problem is a never ending problem. I want to die in the jungle by the waterfall, where i always wanted to be and see. About my greatest fear...eventually i have to face it....so why not face it until i day...i can't hide or run away for the rest of my life. Since i don't fear of death, then what more do i fear of? So this is how i plan my death. I know most people haven't think about this before...and some people may say..it's tooo soon, but to me...planning what's going to happen is never too soon or a waste. At least i'm ready when time is right.